It has been 30 days today...one whole month since I lost my job...and in this time, God has been teaching and trying me more than He has in a long time...
Usually my life moves so fast, I dont have time to stop and reflect on really profound things. Right now, however, I almost feel like God has put my life on a pause, literally while supplying my every need.
Let me go back 30 (give or take a few) days ago...
I was working (read as drowning) in a job that had unrealistic expectations, insane management, disconnected compatibility, and with a manager who seemed to have as many personalities as she had shoes in her office. (If you knew her, you know that's a lot.) I was commuting an hour each way and I was telling myself it was great because I was learning so much and really challenging myself. Apparently God still knows me better than I know myself...
We had just sold our house and were gearing up to move into the home of a friend to rent. This was a dream for us. Perfect home, perfect neighborhood, and thanks to Big Fantastic Job, we could finally do it. The dream came crashing down when, out of nowhere, I lost my job.
I felt like I couldnt breathe...and then suddenly, I could breathe and take in air and life and experiences that I hadnt been able to for a long time. The elephant that was sitting on my chest had gotten up and ran away and I could see my world with new eyes.
Directly after losing the job, my husband and I had the honor to go to the Catalyst Conference (read as worlds greatest Christian Leadership conference ever), with the same dear friends who we had to inform we couldnt rent their place(...talk about some humbling grace..).
Right away, God taught me several priceless truths...the most important being that I had stopped trusting Him. I got so caught up in surviving through this job that I kept taking the claim for things He was trying to bless me with. My life direction had become MINE, as if God and I were on a motorcycle and I had just strapped Him in the sidecar, still a part of my life, but He was only along for the ride.
I can clearly remember one night at worship when I felt, as I hadnt felt in so long, God getting real with me. I heard His voice in my mind and heart so loudly and so powerfully, I couldnt even speak. I remember this booming feeling in my mind, resounding with the question "WHO AM I?" At first I simply responded. "You're God", as if it were no big deal...but it was.
He asked me again..."WHO AM I?" It was at this point, I felt the tears roll...My Father was chastising his Daughter and I knew it...I responded, hands raised "You ARE GOD"...
And then, in the softest voice I had ever felt, the same tone I use with my own son after He's been disciplined and I want him to know how very much he is still loved, I heard, "If I am GOD, then why are you so scared?"
Soak that in...
I had stopped trusting God and because I could no longer control my own future, I was scared to death...and yet, in that moment, God reminded me of who he was, and that HE was in control.
These past 30 days have been lesson after lesson of His grace and providence in our lives. It hasnt always been easy and it hasnt always been comfortable...in fact, it's been downright humbling (remember that whole living with your parents again part?)...but I believe it's been exactly what my family needs. I have spent more time with my husband and son in the last month than I have in the last several months...and God knew this was what my soul craved. We may not have a spread of plenty in front of us, but we have been blessed to have just enough financially coming in to cover our needs...
God has been showing me over and over lately that He doesnt illuminate our paths so we can see the whole plan...he lights our way, step by step, so we follow Him carefully and prepare ourselves for each step. When we snatch the light from his hand and try to run ahead, we get tangled, snared and stuck on a path we probably would have noticed if we had stayed with our Guide.
I have no idea what the future holds for my family...where we will live or where we will work...but I do know who holds our future...and Im learning to trust Him again...
No comments:
Post a Comment