Life is hard.
A simplistic statement of 3 words that for so many is filled with so much meaning. We all look back at our lives 3, maybe 5 years ago and wonder, is this what I imagined for myself? Is this what all those daydreams were about? And when it’s different from that original image, how do we deal with it?
Throughout life, we hit numerous ups and downs. Life speeds by like a race track, soars like an eagle, plummets like a rock and very rarely ever is a steady constant. I can remember discussions with my dad about my Utopia. How I saw life to be, what I thought it was going to be, before I had taken on the pressures of daily living; before the mortgage bill came in, when resources were expendable and responsibilities were few. There are strong currents of my Utopia in the life I have chosen, but there are also times where Utopia fails and is rocked by a change.
I am the type who chooses not to discuss when I feel badly about something. Consider me a bottle, a sealed vault. I would prefer to mentally pour over an issue rather than expose my soft side to anyone in the outside world. Any close friend could tell you on a day I am silent, is usually a day something is not right in my universe… As I engage with my mind in our own diatribe, music is usually all around.
I happened to stumble upon a really decent find in a bookstore a few months back. A band I knew in college and still love today, Ellery (http://www.ellerymusic.com/) was on sale. It was one CD I hadn’t yet seen of theirs and nabbed it up. It was right before I found out some very distressing personal news ( which I’m of course not going to share on here…bottles like me can’t do that, but suffice it to say, it was pretty awful) and it kind of tore me up. While entranced on a drive to work, lost deep in this band’s music, this lyric kept popping out at me
“The truth is there’ll be harder times…it’s ok to say you’re fine…”
It made me stop and think about the issues I had been facing personally. When we experience hurdles in our worlds, cracks in our Utopias, we think that’s it. It can’t possibly get any worse than this. I can’t believe THIS happened to me. But it also forces me to look back to other times, when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, and I overcame. The truth is, while this situation appears bleak, this isn’t the worst it’s ever going to get in my life. I will overcome, I will heal, and I will be stronger for it. The truth is, I can’t let myself dwell on it, because I need to be stronger for what is to come down the road, whatever hurdle that may be.
In that same bookstore visit, I picked up an older CD of Coldplay’s work, (who I also hold near and dear to my heart….my son was actually born to Viva La Vida in the hospital, if that’s any indication…) and came across the song “Fix You” on their XY album.
“When you try your best but you don’t succeed…when you get what you want, but not what you need…when you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep, stuck in reverse….
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you…”
Again, I found myself captivated by lyrics. Growing up, no matter what blows the outside world had dealt me, home was the place of healing. Home was the place of comfort foods, warm blankets, good coffee, healing conversation, and much, much love. Now that I build my own home with my husband and son, it amazes me how this transfers directly into my life. After a long and exhausting day, I love to hear my son call me mama and holding his warm little loveable self is a cleansing agent to my soul. The best time of my day is usually around 9:17 pm. That’s when my husband walks through the door after work and I get to throw my arms around him and melt all my stresses into his embrace. My bones have been ignited again and I can begin a new day tomorrow…
Sometimes when you lose yourself in a song, you actually find yourself again.