I wish I was her...
I wish I was one of those women who had it all together...you know the ones...maybe you're her. I wish I was the woman who had time to keep her house clean, bake muffins on a whim, whip up a casserole for a friend, always maintaining a clean house. I wish I was the wife who got up earlier than anyone, to take time to dress and style to perfection, the one who maintained a perfect weight, lower than her pre-pregnancy weight. I wish I was the career woman who never lost focus or was late to work because we forgot to buy diapers. I wish I was the graduate who had lived up to all the hopes and dreams she had been sent off from college on with her toilet paper mache float... I wish I was the wife who had time to cook and prep masterpiece dinners, clean my house to sparkling on a daily basis, attend women's studies, always looked flawless, could pull spare moments out of nowhere for deep conversations with friends, was never too exhausted...
I wish I was the mother who got to stay home more, catching my son's daily miracles. I wish I had a free second to develop my intrigues on all things parenting like babywearing, cloth diapering, making my own organic baby food from scratch, and teaching my son signlanguage. I wish I was the mother who didnt have to send her son to spend more hours with a sitter than he does with me in a whole week.
Instead I am the mother who barely makes it...whose house, if you arrived unexpectely, would shock you or make you laugh...if the laundry monster doesn't eat you first...whose keys are hiding in the toybox, again. Who stepped on that dang talking dog who always reminds me "I love you!" I am the wife who barely rolls out of bed in time, glancing longingly at that Windsor Pilates video, promising again, I'll start you tomorrow. Im the one who consistantly wishes she could spend time on her hair, but yet, here we are, Curly again...Im the mother who makes the mad dash into Target to buy a shirt on the way into work, because some how, between the drawer, the car and the office, something stained my shirt. Im the mom who, ashamedly, pulls into McDonalds for that happy meal, instead of packing foods in little baggies on the go...Im the wife who trips out the door as she balances her purse while trying to throw her shoes on. Im the mom who gives the finger to having the gym membership because, let's face it, mornings barely happen as it is, and I refuse to give up my precious 2 and a half hours I have with my son in the evenings to anyone else. Im the mom who would rather play another round of "Im gonna get you", Read "Baby Animals" for the zillionth time, make ridiculous car noises and hear my son's giggle than make him wait while I cleaned...
If you are the type of mom, wife, and woman I first described, please don't be angry...I dont hate you...If anything, I aspire to be like you and wish my life gave room to some of the priviledges you have. I find myself constantly comparing myself to women like you and again, feeling like I've fallen short in this whole work-life-family-marriage balance. Sometimes the very thought that I don't measure up takes me to a place so dark, it's hard to see the good among the shortcomings.
But then I realize...Im not perfect. Im not supermom. I may never be like some of the amazing women I described...but guess what. I look at my family...Im perfect for them. Im perfect for the 2 amazing men in my life. I may not always have it together, but Im trying and they are on this journey with me. We are doing life together and doing our best to love each other first and foremost. It reminds me of the story of Mary and Martha. Martha always working like crazy and others noticing her for her hard work. Mary, treasureing more of the relationship with Jesus, sitting at his feet.
For me, Im just not a Martha...and I think, Im ok with that...
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