Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Struggle

You say, "Trust Me".
I say, "I've got this. Thanks."
You whisper to my heart, "Trust Me."
I say, "No, really. I've got this. I'm fine. I can do this myself".
You ask, "Please, Trust Me..."
I get angry. " I can take care of this myself!"
You shout to my soul, "Trust ME!"
I cry, " I CAN'T"...

You whisper, "Why?". I return, "I'm scared..."
You hold me close. You say, " I know..."

You show "Trust Me" displayed in the lives of others.
I ponder, "I might...". I look around.
I think within myself, "Look. They trusted. It worked..." I step closer. I pause.
"but they're not me."

I run, I hide, I cry, I stress, I doubt, I question, I look, I search, I balance...
I come UN-balanced.

You speak "IM STILL HERE...". I smile "You haven't left?"
YOU show, YOU love, YOU orchestrate, YOU move...
YOUR Spirit touches, my fears begin to subside...

You whisper, "Trust Me." I whisper, "I will..."

Friday, October 1, 2010

Mommy for Always

5:30 am. The phone rings...I automatically turn it off, because I think it's my alarm and we all know Im a snoozer. It continues to ring. Finally my brain connects that someone is trying to call me at this awful hour of the day. I hear my mother in law's tearful voice on the other end, asking for my husband. She takes her strength from him and has some bad family news to share.

I lay there, listening to my husband melt away, hearing the sadness in his mother's voice. Before getting off of the phone, an amazing transformation occurs. My husband says "I love you Mommy. If you need me Im here..." Mommy? I just heard my 26 year old husband call his mother Mommy? The broad shouldered, exterior of a man has fallen away, revealing heart of the little boy inside who will always love his Mommy and cares that she is hurting. The depth of the mother and son connection hits me so hard that even at this hour of the morning, I am emotionally rocked by it.

In this moment of clarity, I realize...even though I am on the threshold of my baby boy becoming a little man...even though I feel like I am losing those precious Mommy moments, snuggles, hugs and "monster" kisses more and more as each day goes by, in this brief moment I have learned they are never gone forever. When I am truly upset and Gavin sees my tears, even at the tender age of almost 2, he runs over, wraps his little arms around me as far as they will go and says in his sweet voice " I love you toooooo Mommy!"

I have every confidence that my son will grow into a strong and wonderful man, sharing many of the traits of his father. He is like a sponge these days, absorbing everything he can about his Daddy. (Currently these days, he's trying to be a "Chef", taking random kitchen items and "cooking like Daddy!")And if he is anything like his daddy, I know that while the days of Monster Kisses may stay in the past, when the moment is right, I will always be his Mommy.