The Healing Powers of Music...

Life is hard.

A simplistic statement of 3 words that for so many is filled with so much meaning. We all look back at our lives 3, maybe 5 years ago and wonder, is this what I imagined for myself? Is this what all those daydreams were about? And when it’s different from that original image, how do we deal with it?

Throughout life, we hit numerous ups and downs. Life speeds by like a race track, soars like an eagle, plummets like a rock and very rarely ever is a steady constant. I can remember discussions with my dad about my Utopia. How I saw life to be, what I thought it was going to be, before I had taken on the pressures of daily living; before the mortgage bill came in, when resources were expendable and responsibilities were few. There are strong currents of my Utopia in the life I have chosen, but there are also times where Utopia fails and is rocked by a change.

I am the type who chooses not to discuss when I feel badly about something. Consider me a bottle, a sealed vault. I would prefer to mentally pour over an issue rather than expose my soft side to anyone in the outside world. Any close friend could tell you on a day I am silent, is usually a day something is not right in my universe… As I engage with my mind in our own diatribe, music is usually all around.

I happened to stumble upon a really decent find in a bookstore a few months back. A band I knew in college and still love today, Ellery (http://www.ellerymusic.com/) was on sale. It was one CD I hadn’t yet seen of theirs and nabbed it up. It was right before I found out some very distressing personal news ( which I’m of course not going to share on here…bottles like me can’t do that, but suffice it to say, it was pretty awful) and it kind of tore me up. While entranced on a drive to work, lost deep in this band’s music, this lyric kept popping out at me

“The truth is there’ll be harder times…it’s ok to say you’re fine…”

It made me stop and think about the issues I had been facing personally. When we experience hurdles in our worlds, cracks in our Utopias, we think that’s it. It can’t possibly get any worse than this. I can’t believe THIS happened to me. But it also forces me to look back to other times, when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, and I overcame. The truth is, while this situation appears bleak, this isn’t the worst it’s ever going to get in my life. I will overcome, I will heal, and I will be stronger for it. The truth is, I can’t let myself dwell on it, because I need to be stronger for what is to come down the road, whatever hurdle that may be.

In that same bookstore visit, I picked up an older CD of Coldplay’s work, (who I also hold near and dear to my heart….my son was actually born to Viva La Vida in the hospital, if that’s any indication…) and came across the song “Fix You” on their XY album.

“When you try your best but you don’t succeed…when you get what you want, but not what you need…when you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep, stuck in reverse….

Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you…”

Again, I found myself captivated by lyrics. Growing up, no matter what blows the outside world had dealt me, home was the place of healing. Home was the place of comfort foods, warm blankets, good coffee, healing conversation, and much, much love. Now that I build my own home with my husband and son, it amazes me how this transfers directly into my life. After a long and exhausting day, I love to hear my son call me mama and holding his warm little loveable self is a cleansing agent to my soul. The best time of my day is usually around 9:17 pm. That’s when my husband walks through the door after work and I get to throw my arms around him and melt all my stresses into his embrace. My bones have been ignited again and I can begin a new day tomorrow…

Sometimes when you lose yourself in a song, you actually find yourself again.

Accepting My Lack of Perfection...

I wish I was her...

I wish I was one of those women who had it all together...you know the ones...maybe you're her. I wish I was the woman who had time to keep her house clean, bake muffins on a whim, whip up a casserole for a friend, always maintaining a clean house. I wish I was the wife who got up earlier than anyone, to take time to dress and style to perfection, the one who maintained a perfect weight, lower than her pre-pregnancy weight. I wish I was the career woman who never lost focus or was late to work because we forgot to buy diapers. I wish I was the graduate who had lived up to all the hopes and dreams she had been sent off from college on with her toilet paper mache float... I wish I was the wife who had time to cook and prep masterpiece dinners, clean my house to sparkling on a daily basis, attend women's studies, always looked flawless, could pull spare moments out of nowhere for deep conversations with friends, was never too exhausted...

I wish I was the mother who got to stay home more, catching my son's daily miracles. I wish I had a free second to develop my intrigues on all things parenting like babywearing, cloth diapering, making my own organic baby food from scratch, and teaching my son signlanguage. I wish I was the mother who didnt have to send her son to spend more hours with a sitter than he does with me in a whole week.

Instead I am the mother who barely makes it...whose house, if you arrived unexpectely, would shock you or make you laugh...if the laundry monster doesn't eat you first...whose keys are hiding in the toybox, again. Who stepped on that dang talking dog who always reminds me "I love you!" I am the wife who barely rolls out of bed in time, glancing longingly at that Windsor Pilates video, promising again, I'll start you tomorrow. Im the one who consistantly wishes she could spend time on her hair, but yet, here we are, Curly again...Im the mother who makes the mad dash into Target to buy a shirt on the way into work, because some how, between the drawer, the car and the office, something stained my shirt. Im the mom who, ashamedly, pulls into McDonalds for that happy meal, instead of packing foods in little baggies on the go...Im the wife who trips out the door as she balances her purse while trying to throw her shoes on. Im the mom who gives the finger to having the gym membership because, let's face it, mornings barely happen as it is, and I refuse to give up my precious 2 and a half hours I have with my son in the evenings to anyone else. Im the mom who would rather play another round of "Im gonna get you", Read "Baby Animals" for the zillionth time, make ridiculous car noises and hear my son's giggle than make him wait while I cleaned...

If you are the type of mom, wife, and woman I first described, please don't be angry...I dont hate you...If anything, I aspire to be like you and wish my life gave room to some of the priviledges you have. I find myself constantly comparing myself to women like you and again, feeling like I've fallen short in this whole work-life-family-marriage balance. Sometimes the very thought that I don't measure up takes me to a place so dark, it's hard to see the good among the shortcomings.

But then I realize...Im not perfect. Im not supermom. I may never be like some of the amazing women I described...but guess what. I look at my family...Im perfect for them. Im perfect for the 2 amazing men in my life. I may not always have it together, but Im trying and they are on this journey with me. We are doing life together and doing our best to love each other first and foremost. It reminds me of the story of Mary and Martha. Martha always working like crazy and others noticing her for her hard work. Mary, treasureing more of the relationship with Jesus, sitting at his feet.

For me, Im just not a Martha...and I think, Im ok with that...