Thursday, January 28, 2010

My Toddler is Profound


It never fails to amaze me how God continues to speak to me through those in my life. Sometimes when things are dark all around me, He pops these rays of sunshine known as loved ones in to remind me He's there, even when it's too painful to look for him. If my face is downcast, He gently tips it up, wipes my tears and shows me He is there...

In my last post, I shared how my life has been crazy and I have had a tough time finding my own identity again. It has made me realize I need to take moments to stop...just stand still, and the world, spinning a million miles a minute, slows down eventually too. I had just one of these moments...

In my new career, I have a very important presentation coming up. Almost a definitive item as my make it or break it proclaimation to this company. I keep working on it, fine tuning it until it all runs together, the words begin to cross, and before I know it, Im not even writing in English anymore...

G, my toddler son, a little over a year old, is starting to know me better and better. The more he becomes this "person", the more I adore him. He has such a heart for others. When kids cry in the church nursery, he's there patting them, and getting them to play. When there is laughter and happiness, he is there in the middle of it. When I have had a stressful day, he comes running with just the right smile to flip my whole mood.

My moment of Selah is through my son, yet again. Here I was, typing and stressing and second guessing, and he comes up and keeps handing me books, toys and other things. He kept trying to climb in my lap and I kept directing his attention away from me. Finally he grabbed his best pals, Mickey and Monocito,* because apparently Mama looked like she needed a friend??* and crawled next to me and SHUT MY LAPTOP! In that moment, he said so much.

I have always had this feeling about my son that he is an "old soul" and wiser beyond his years. *year??=) * I normally would have considered some kind of discipline, because he knows that's a "no no" but I truly feel he was trying to say something. Like, "Mommy, this is OUR time, remember? Play with me...just play!" Somehow in reading "That's Not My Monkey" *for the 50th time, I swear* and cuddling with my son, this amazing peace came over me.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the life around us, we forget the lives we impact. We lose fact of the roles we play in the epic stories of others. We struggle so hard to get ahead that we forget to live in the moment we have. My son was telling me to live in his moment. He was inviting me to be a part of his special little world that is only this special for so long. I don't want to miss more moments like this.

When everything spins out of motion, grab the things that are closest to your heart and invest in their moments. That investment will bring the most profound profits.


Sunday, January 10, 2010

You Spin My Head Right Round, Right Round...

I feel like I have been caught in a whirlwind of insanity. From old jobs to overseas trips to new jobs to first birthdays, second first birthday parties, and holidays...oh the holidays...I literally feel like I have been robbed of Christmas...everything that made it special for me just wasnt happening. I feel like everything happened so fast. DS's second Christmas and I barely remember it...sometimes I feel like I barely remember me...

DH and I had a huge talk tonight about confidence...finding it again. Renewing in myself the things that makes me happy. Maybe I should find a good conversation with my dad over some coffee...maybe I should work out more and bring back that old body...I feel like I have spent so much time investing in my son and family and job that the old me is trapped inside of a glass box that she is screaming to be released from...I can see her, remember her, how fun and creative and silly she was...but I can't touch her...I need a giant ax of confidence to break through and get her back...We talked tonight about me listening to the bull that I tell myself...I mean, I have always had this inner not-good-enough/not as good as her debate going on, but lately I have really started listening to it and it's been a poison to my soul...a cancer to my being. I have stopped stopping to enjoy little parts of life...I feel like my mind is either a giant blank or filled with the headaches of overwhelming doubt. This dark night of the soul is not who I am. But how do I end the refrain I keep playing over and over again? How do I make it stop and hear a new song...I haven't felt freedom in myself for so long. I guess I need to realize that I can be a mom and be a wife and still be me! Just because I am a mother now doesn't mean that I automatically deny all of the parts of myself that I used to enjoy. I just have to re-prioritize...

Thank God for my husband. I continue to say that God made him for me. He knows how to keep me grounded when the poison fills my mind. He reminds me that I do have the coolest kid in the world and he wouldn't be that way if his mom wasn't pretty great herself. He renews my faith in his love for me and fills the cracks in my heart, of which I have broken myself. He, in a sense, writes love on my own arms where I would prefer to write f*** up. He sees me for all the good I am, loves me for who I was and reminds me of who I could be, should I chose to be.

Today, for me, my husband is my moment of selah. Hearing the Father whisper I am loved...